Themixedxtape's Journals

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change

Lately I've been left wondering why I haven't talked so people I found myself being friends with. I was really good friends with this one girl and now we barely talk. I was friends with another girl in 9th and 10th grade and we haven't talked since 11th grade started. Another friends I haven't really been friends with since 9th and We were friends since first grade. What happened? Was is I that changed, or was it them? Now I have found myself with the 2 friends that I've had forever. Losing friends sucks. alot. I feel like maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I was mean? Or too annoying? Or talked to much?
I never really had many friends to begin with. I'm not really a social person and I don't talk to many people in school. I know a lot of people and I'm sure people know me. But the thing is, nobody ever talks to me. I know I should make an effort but why don't people come up and talk to me. I see that people go up to others and start talking but not me. Do I really look that uninviting and mean? I wouldn't call myself mean. I can be. I mean anyone can. I know I don't really have friends because I'm quiet. I don't really say much and when I work in groups, I don't reall say anything. I'm not stupid. I know that much. I may not be brilliant but the thing is, I think people expect nothing or little from me. I'm sick of it. People in my Honors Economics class probably wonder "why is SHE taking this class? Its honors" I never took AP I've always taken regents classes. I'm sure a few people have bad things to say about me. But most of them don't really know me. They would probably call me scum, or a low-life or a backstabber. Sure, I've done some pretty mean and stupid things but I want to change. I want to be less quiet and talk to people I was once friends with. Or maybe we aren't friends for a reason. I don't know. I want people to think more of me than just that "quiet, stupid fat girl that looks hunched over" thats not me and I'm fairly sick of it.
I'm sick of people saying "I don't think she can do it" "thats really hard you know" "its really competitive". I'm sick of people trying to control me or something. They think they can step all over me. It has to end.

I could still be ruthless if you let me

I'm starting to believe horoscopes.
Its crazy how people come popping back up in life.
Maybe its a good thing...
maybe its not.

Time flies when your having fun.

Oh I don't need to shop

Warped tommorrow....super excited
I need to eat healthier. Seriously.
I'm not photogenic or pretty. My face is the ugliest thing I have ever seen.
My dog is so soft.. she got her hair cut today.
I kinda want to start school. I need to do better this year.
I keep promising myself I won't let people back in but I do & I'm stupid for it.
Bored.Bored.Bored.
New Jack's Mannequin song is like the highlight of my week so far.
I'll make a blog for warped promise.
I'm off to the mall.
<3
Http://www.myspace.com/therainstherain

Add my myspace.

Nobody ever reads these

PS:
Go listen to the Rocket Summers new song "So Much Love". Its a great tune :]

rain rain go away

Hello and I know nobody reads these but who cares.
Its monday, its boring and very rainy.
Today has been a pretty good day.
When school starts I think people will be surpised. I want this year to be fun since its my last year in HS.
I wanna change, a lot more.
I'm realizing that I can go on without some people and I think I'm starting to feel better.
I only need my 2 best friends.
I'm excited for a couple things.
Like getting a new phone. I think I'm going to get an enV or whatever the hell that thing is.
My dad said I can get a sidekick when my 2yr plan ends next year.
I'm excited for that.
I've wanted one for a while.
I'm also getting a new camera kinda soon I hope.
I think I'll try to update more often.

Advice: Don't let anybody hold you down.

The girl dreams to much.

Here is a list of everything I want to be:
-Fashion Designer.
-Work somewhere in the buisness side of fashion.
-Work at a management place.
-Work at a record company.
-Work at a booking agency.

Everything I want to be is competative.
I'm not a competative person really.

Places I want to go:
-UK.
-Japan.
-Vegas.
-California.
-Chicago.
-Canada. I went when I was like 2. I don't remember anything from it.
-France.
-Italy.
-China.

I think thats it.
But I could add more :]

Monroe

Does anyone know if it hurts a lot to get a monroe?

I think I'm going to

start a design company.
Now.
Make some stuff.
I need a name.
Please give me some ideas.

I feel like I need this.

I need this. Not for anyone else, but for myself. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me at all. My cousin who is a little under a year younger than me was in trouble. Not like trouble at school or something but trouble. He shoplifted a lot, tried drugs and was getting into more serious ones, and was drinking and smoking. He stole something from me. I held that guilt in forever and when I finally told my parents they were surprised. Extremely surprised. They told his parents about it and about a month or a little more later I talked to him one tuesday. That was the last night I talked to him. His dad told him they were going to check out a school for the last time. Little did he know that they were not going to check out the school. As the car rolled up, they were waiting. They brought my cousin another way and my uncle the other. They cut my cousins hair and he is not allowed to wear the clothes that he used to. My uncle, his father signed over his son's life to them. He couldn't talk to anyone for 30 days. He got his 1st phone call a week or so ago. In about a year I think he can visit my cousin, supervision. They check what ever mail he sends out and the mail that comes in. I'm sure they tap the calls. Child abusers have more rights with their children than this. They took away his identity. They cut his hair. I mean I can understand a uniform but that is a bit too far. My aunt is saying it is probably like a cult school. They take away his identity. He probably won't be the person we knew when he gets back, if he ever does. I feel like it is my fault. His parents were pretty leniate on him. Nobody ever saw this coming. There is a friends school that helps troubled teens litteraly 3 minutes away from my house. My mom and dad and aunt were offering him to stay here. I wish i didn't say anything. If I hadn't he probably wouldn't be going through this. I almost feel like it would have been better for him to stay here, being distructive rather than being at some stupid cult school. My aunt told me all of this today. He won't be the same person that I used to know. He said to his father once(my uncle) " I wish you were more like my Uncle Rick". That uncle rick he talks of, is my father. I feel like I take him for granted. I won't see my cousin for 2 years probably if not more. He can't come home at all. Next year I think he can have day trips but he has to be back at school at a certain time. I feel like crap for this and I feel like I need to talk to someone.
Sorry this is somewhat scattery and long.
I needed to get this out.

We want the airwaves back!

School is over, my last day was friday and I have 2 more regents left. That is why I hate NY. Its wierd to think I am a senior. I've got one more year left and then I'm done. Well with HS, I'm going to go to college for fashion design. Its been a boring year. Not much happened with anyone. No drama (thank god), no major changes in my life. Except the fact that my friends have changed. I've gotten closer to some, farther for others. I have a few goals for this summer.
1. Lose Weight
2. Make more friends
3. Do stuff during the summer
4. Make some clothes
5. Eat healthier
6. Take up knitting again
7. Change up my wardrobe a bit
8. Make more friends on the internet...Yes, I know how pathetic that sounded. HAHA
9. Go to many concerts.
10. Learn to write better
11. I want a boyfriend. I've never had one.

I don't think those were all just summer goals. I want to be like a roadie for a band & interview bands. It always seemed like fun. Yeah. I sound like a pretty pathetic person.

I need to get a life.

I'm the girl thats not so nice & wants to change.

Thats all for now.
Sorry but my mind skips all over the place.

....Jessica